{ fray day 3 }

Where are you today?

I am tired after a glorious day with my children. A soccer game, an afternoon of photography, followed by an evening cheering at a marching band competition. Now, my family tucked up in bed, I'm wasting an hour surfing. My persian cat sits purring on the desk, drunk with catnip. Blues play softly. I am as content as I have ever been. For years I chased happiness, then stumbled on it when I paused to take a breath.



I am sitting in my dorm room, trying to figure out how to type with a brace on my left ring finger. I'm kind of proud of my brace . . . it's a trophy from today's rugby game. I'm also kind of mad at it, because it makes it hard to type, and I am afraid it is going to make it impossible for me to play soccer or practice my clarinet.

I'm feeling kind of melancholy and contemplative. I cried a lot today. I smiled a lot today, too. Sometimes I did both simultaneously. I am sad, but not lost. I am quiet, but not invisible.

I wish I hadn't skipped dinner because I'm hungry and brunch doesn't start for nine hours. it is uncharacteristically quiet because I just turned the radio off. I had been listening to massive attack. now I am trying to figure out what I can do to delay sleep and the inevitable bad dreams . . .

kaz {kazulrw@white-star.com}

right now? right now i'm sitting by a big window (and man those air conditioners are really loud), in my boxers, and i have to get up pretty early tommorow, and i'm up too late, again.

earlier today i was feeling pretty lonely. it's funny how much feelings can change over such a short time. for maybe the first time this semester i really talked to someone tonight-- really talked-- one of those talks where you just connect, and the pauses communicate more than the words.

recently i've found myself learning how to talk again. for a while, like a year or so, i had so little good, true conversation that when i wanted to, i was so unpracticed i could barely construct thoughts, let alone form interesting phrases and neat little packages. though i'm not sure why, i've happily been talking more, and i've generally been more sociable in recent months. what if i'd been able to tell her how i really felt when i had the chance?

i'm such a bad lover-- i mean, i'm so bad at loving. i've been thinking a lot about love recently. not so much about romantic love as about a more general sort of love for humankind. the kind of love that you only really become aware of when you try to apply it to the annoying jerk down the hall. it takes a certain kind of love to make you realize that maybe sometimes he can't say what he really wants to say, that maybe he, too, cries in bed sometimes.

please, God, teach me how to love.

please, God, today.



I'M AT FRAY DAY 3 -- what a cool event. i just finished playing a love song for the fray faithful -- i'm flying high!

if you could be here, you'd know. even in the midst of the sf fog and wind, something special is unfolding. tell your story at fray.com. answer the questions in an honest fashion. it's a rare opportunity!

jeff {troiano@PACBELL.NET}

I just moved into my new apartment a few weeks ago and it's in this small studio that I sit now. It's strange, I've been trying to get out of the dorms for years, and before that my parent's home; this is what I've always wanted. Yet I feel just as alone. I expected at least a new kind of lonliness. But it's just as desperate and just as unsure.

Steve {stevehsu@cc.gatech.edu}


Life has been spent never quite fitting in, but never knowing why. Why do all these people always have someone else they would rather be with? Why do I end up prefering being alone, yet despise it and those who contribute to it? The last few years, therapy has helped to understand much of this, but the feelings remain. Am I condemned? I`m now over 40, and need to depend upon my ability to structure my own life. Today, it seems there is only one thing to do. I have to tell others how it is for me and those I have observed. Place all possible thinking upon a web-site and hope that people will connect.....give their feedback......to prove that what I believe is not a lie...a waste of time. This is the PARADOX. In order for my world to be validated it has to be confirmed by others whom I advise it is already ok to live like this. I have to turn my world into reality by letting the masses know that it exists, rather than it exists first. Oh what consternation


kev {kev@electronparadox.com}

I'm here. At Cell. My brother isn't; he was supposed to be here tonight. He was going to BART over from Berkeley, and I was going to drive him home in the world's smallest rental car.

Earlier today, I was at a wedding in Los Altos. A friend who saved my life once got married; she was a radiant bride, and I hope she and her husband will have a bold and imaginative life together.

I was here tonight, up on a stage, telling a story, and I spoke clearly and properly. I told a story, and some people laughed. My date from the wedding is here, too; and I think she's having a good time.

Things have changed. Last year, I was living off popcorn from the theater at which I worked. This year, I'm living on a mountain and thinking about buying a house. The adventure has gotten more ridiculous and stranger than I could imagine it being a year ago, and I can't think of any other place to tell you about it than here.

Happy Day, Fray.

Adam Rakunas {rak@giro.org}


Right now, I am sitting in front of the computer getting some mental rest, having just ended four hours of wedding invitation assembling and envelope stuffing. I watched several TV shows and "Shakespeare in Love" while doing the above.

I am thinking love and marriage is wonderful, but weddings suck.

Christine {cristine@cristine.net}

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